The Good and The Bad
By KarenBannister • Mar 13th, 2010 • Category: The Momoir BlogBy Karen Bannister
There is a joy in being pregnant that is unparalleled by any other experience on this earth. The tiny movements deep inside my womb that tickle my ribs and stretch the skin around my belly are a private shelter of love - they bring a smile to my lips even when no one is around to hear me exclaim, “She just moved!” Sometimes, it feels as though I am locked inside my own silent joke - I am the only one to understand, and to laugh through the punch line.
But being pregnant has also been really difficult. The subtle nuances that characterize my body’s state - peeing when I sneeze, feeling light headed when I stand too quickly, ravenously eating every morsel in my cupboard - often leave me feeling exasperated. And the fatigue - that unnatural way your body feels heavy like you are drowning in wet clothing, where lifting just your ankle can send you to the nearest chair to rest - it is all-consuming at times. But pee and hunger aside, the hardest part for me is the ways in which my mind goes a little off-kilter with the drugging effects of pregnancy hormones. I am not just talking about crying because I forgot the milk at the store, but disastrous anxiety because my son won’t stop screaming that he wants some milk, and the feeling of self-hatred as I watch the scale climb in numbers, and my agitation overall dislike of most people, including - at times, my husband. I am talking about not wanting to get out of bed in the morning because the drugs I take to stabilize my moods make me tired. I am talking about greeting the end of the day with such an immense amount of exhaustion I can scarcely recall my name.
I suffer badly when it comes to child-bearing and I joke, without the laughter, that my mind just isn’t wired for having babies. Not only did I suffer from Postpartum Depression with my son’s birth, but I have what most people don’t even assume is possible - antenatal depression. It sucks. And yet I’ve chosen to do it again because my will is stubborn and because there really is so much joy in being pregnant that I train myself to bear the bad. It is remarkable to me, when I force myself to stop and think about it, how truly momentous these nine months are. My body is growing a life! There is a tiny heartbeat inside of me. She will grow to be a strong, willful human being with hobbies and interests and a unique perspective. She will laugh; she will cry; she will contribute to society. Dance! Sing!
It is for those infinite possibilities that I carry on, through the good and the bad, the exhaustion, the hunger and the anxiety. It is for the hope of one day setting eyes on her, of feeling love wash over me in a moment shared by the presence of my loved ones - her loved ones - a feeling I was robbed of when birthing my son. It is in the ever-demanding quest to have what I feel I have lost in all the moments I spent and spend bent in my own private agonies. For the fairytale, and for the moments of reality when it is really splendid, I carry on.
KarenBannister is a fundraiser by profession and writer by passion. She lives in Niagara Falls, Ontario with her husband, son and boisterous labrador retriever.
Email this author | All posts by KarenBannister
Motherhood is a 24 hour job: that’s what I learned since I became a mother. Its not easy. You can’t have a day-off; you work 24 hours a day, seven days a week. It’s tiring. You’ll be worn-out but you have to work: clean the house so you could still find the living room, cook meals or you’ll all get hungry, bath, feed, tuck, sing a song, play with your child. I must have quit a long time ago, if it isn’t for the word ‘love’. That love I feel to the father and to my child. A love that kept rushing through hugs and kisses coming from them. A love that keeps a family together.
It’s really surprising that there are so many blessings that kept coming to me since I became a mom: I was featured in a magazine, won gift certificates through writing and got my dream job: to be a writer. These things I kept wishing during my teen years and now attained them! I always wanted to write and share things that once I only keep in my diary. I love the fact that in just a few phrases you can change or influence people’s lives. And now, as another blessing moves inside my womb, I am sure that I won’t be out of ideas since there’s another bundle of joy coming.
I loved this post because I am currently living through it myself. I blog about it on my own site, which is a great way to get the frustrations of the day out, but let’s face it… carrying a baby is a really long, lonely journey. And I think you hit it on the head. I like it best when I have those small moments during the day or laying on my side at night when my baby is moving around and I’m the only one who feels it. It’s pretty spectacular!
Thank you for this post. I went through what you described during my second pregnancy. Your words resonated deeply for me. I wish you and your growing family all the best. It is amazing now to look back and remember the challenges with my mood during and post partum. Now 11 months since my daughter’s birth it almost feels like I was a different person then. I catch myself thinking who was that…I felt so out of control and riddled with anxiety. Hormones are a powerful force! Thank you again for sharing.