Number 2
By liesl • Jun 27th, 2010 • Category: The Momoir Blog“So, when are you having number two?” she asks, expectant eyes on me.
I laugh. “Oh, you know, we’ll get around to it,” I say vaguely, hoping to move the conversation past this requisite query.
Ever since Lucas turned three, people I know and barely know seem compelled to bring this up. Most people see this intensely personal topic as perfectly acceptable fodder for line-up chit-chat. I wonder if there’s some biological imperative that forces people to point out that I’ve stopped procreating. Because other than that, I find their line of questioning intrusive and presumptuous.
As we wait for our latte and London Fog, she continues, “I hate to say it, but only children usually turn out pretty self-centred.”
If my back wasn’t up before, it is now. “Actually,” I say, “I’m married to an only child, and he’s the most selfless person I know.”
“Well, you can’t wait too long. You want them to be able to play together, to relate to each other.”
I think, even if I got pregnant today, my children would be four years apart and likely won’t be playing or relating to each other. But seeing as this conversation is not ending, I try and actually explain myself. “Honestly, we are so busy as it is. We’re both working full-time, and I’m writing part-time. We just moved and aren’t settled yet. And Lucas is a strong-willed little guy that takes a lot of energy. So, at this point, I can’t imagine adding anything to the mix.”
The barista calls my drink, and I pick it up, relieved to have a reason to leave. As she grabs her latte, she physically pulls me aside. “I need to tell you what my doctor told me when my son was little. He said you can’t be selfish about this. Think about when you get older. Your son will need support from someone. You have to think about the future.”
I clench my teeth, smile a goodbye and make a bee-line to my office. Now, I’m fuming. And I don’t know if it’s because she said I’m being selfish or because she hit the cord inside me that believes it.
We always planned to have one or two. And now here we are, in the place in between, the unborn child already envisioned in our imagined future. I know deep inside, we both want him or her, but I know without a doubt, I am not interested in adding to our lives right now. I’m in the middle of a career change, launching myself as a freelance writer, and enjoying our family of three. It’s taken me three years to recover my identity and regain my sanity, and I’m not ready to let it all go again.
So, I buy myself some time, have “the talk” with Hubby and secure another two year’s worth of birth control. Knowing full well my eggs are aging, my fertility is declining and I will be deemed “high-risk” when I do get pregnant, I still decide I’m going to be selfish.
Writing Start: Number 2
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Oh man. I had that question since I looked four months preggers with my first! I loathed the ‘volunteer’ advice I got when pregnant with my second. now, I get asked if there is a thrid! Great work sharing your experience.
This is so well-written, Liesl! I am a mother of two, but we ALWAYS planned to have two. It’s just the plan that felt right for us. I think it’s a lovely bonus that our children will have each other later in life, when their father and I eventually cease to be around. But I think people forget that as human beings we form family ties both with blood relations and with others. How may amazing childhood memories do we have with “family” members who are cousins or the children of parents’ friends, or maybe just some random kid we met at camp or school? My best friend is someone I met when I was 26 and she is as much of a sibling to me as my actual sisters are.
I think as long as you teach your son the true meaning of family, you will be doing your job, sibling or no. In addition to that I ALWAYS applaud those who decide not to have children, or more children, before they’ve actually gone ahead and done so! A much wiser and saner choice. Enjoy your already full life and remember that those who criticize are probably well-meaning but clueless!
Great article Liesl…..LOVED it! Oh how I loooove unsolicited advice from strangers and not so strange about when to have kids, how many kids to have and what the proper order is to have them! There is twelve years between my first and second sons and when I was pregnant with my second a LOT of people, mostly those who didn’t know me at all, would tell me how terrible it was going to be for my older son and how he woud resent the baby and how with so many years between them how they would NEVER be close. Well….if you saw my sixteen year old and my 3 1/2 year old together it would make the hardest of hearts melt on the spot. They are nuts about each other. My teenager is also fabulous with his 3 month old sister and although, realistically, he will probably be out of the house before she hits Pre-K nothing will stop my big lad from loving her. Kids just work it out for themselves regardless of the years or months between them. Oh and the only child advice you received really burnt my bacon……again I heard the same thing with my oldest. It was just him and I for eight years and I heard all the same crap about how self-centred and screwed up he would be. Well…he’s no more self-centred than all the other sixteen year olds out there and he does just fine socially thank you very much. It would be so nice if a woman’s decision to have one child, six children or none at all would just be accepted and respected. Speaking of which I am one woman who has enormous respect for you. You are quite obviously in tune with your own life and know now is not the time to have another child. Kudos to you for putting it all down…….awesome writing:)
Ah, I remember this well. As it turns out, I have two kids but that was not always the plan and truthfully, I can’t really take much credit for the second, my daughter. There was a bit of an “oops,” but ultimately a very good oops! The thing is, I was an only child and I don’t recall being unhappy (although I did, at one point pine for an OLDER brother!). When my husband and I started to get “the question” about having a second child, I remember hearing all of the same arguments that you were faced with. I felt tremendous guilt and I worried about all of the reasons that were holding me back. First, as I said, I had been an only child and thrived on the companionship of adults. Second, I had recently received a promotion and was coming into my own at work. Third, we had a really hard time conceiving my son and I wasn’t so sure I wanted to enter the fray again. I remember my neighbour saying that, “Of course we HAD to have another child, that Benjamin would be lonely on his own, that I was an older parent and would die off far too soon, blah, blah, blah.” I presented these arguments to my husband (who is the oldest of three) and he rolled his eyes and said, “Oh yeah, being an only child is terrible. You get all of the attention, you don’t have to share your toys, and you get your own room. That must be tragic!” Nothing like some unedited male perspective! All of this is to say that there are pros and cons to having siblings or not. I think it comes down to being loved, and being surrounded by happy parents…and to achieve the latter, mummy needs to do what is right for her, whatever that may be
Good on ya’, Liesl!
Wow, thank you all for your kind comments and for sharing your experiences. I have definitely hit a hot button here - whether it’s evoking people’s unsolicited opinion or getting support for women’s rights to make our own choices. The most frustrating thing I find is when people think their experience is the right one, period, rather than simply the right one for them, and possibly not for me! Anyways, nice to know I’m not alone, and I appreciate your positive feedback on my writing.
i loved this. thanks so much for sharing. your writing is great, i really felt like i was there, with you, maybe AS you. i am the mom of a 4.5 year old boy and after much MUCH dialogue we are keeping things that way. it was a very long, hard fought decision and involved immensely private discussions. i have stranger tossing comments at me about having another, giving him a sibling. it’s infuriating. most friends are respectful, but i do hear a lot of “oh, you’ll change your minds…” from older folk. really? really?
anyways, two things were said that really struck me and if i could have these branded into law or something
by susan:
It would be so nice if a woman’s decision to have one child, six children or none at all would just be accepted and respected.
from liesl:
The most frustrating thing I find is when people think their experience is the right one, period, rather than simply the right one for them, and possibly not for me!
these two statements really spoke to me. they are part of my everyday mantra as i work to accept the parenting i do today, learn from it, and parent again tomorrow. thanks for a great piece. it really touched me.
A hot button, for sure, Liesl — thanks for sharing. Your piece really struck a chord with me, too. My son’s now two and a half, so I’m currently getting asked about number two a lot. The insensitivity of the question — and all the assumptions attached — floor me every time. Obviously, there’s no child yet on the way, so either:
a) we’ve been trying and haven’t been successful at getting pregnant yet (translation: we’re stressed by the pressure of trying to conceive, are possibly dealing with infertility issues)
b) we want another but can’t have another, for whatever reason (medical, financial, whatever…)
or
c) we’ve decided our family is complete with one (like you) and have our reasons
Any of these reasons is intensely personal and incredibly loaded - and frankly, nobody’s business. It amazes me how people’s sense of personal boundaries get skewed around pregnancy and parenting. People who wouldn’t dream of asking you about your sex life or mental health think it’s okay to pry about number two - and to keep pressing after you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to discuss it, and THEN offer unsolicited advice after you reluctantly give them a tid-bit or two, or based on their own assumptions re: your situations. Thanks for tackling this thorny topic. I appreciate how clear and unapologetic you are, at the end of the piece, re: where you currently stand as a family.
It’s so amazing to connect with you all on this issue. Emma - I love that you resonated with the piece and some of the comments - that is what this Momoir Project is all about isn’t it? And both you and Sara allude to how personal these decisions are that people think are up for public consumption - it’s infuriating. Sara, it means a lot that you got something out of this piece too, as I know you’ve been through this kind of experience more than your share! Yes, I am unapologetic, and now when I get the question, it’s all i can do not to refer them to read this
this means so much more now that we’ve met …